How the Blue Sparrow Came to be

This blog was created as a space where I can share things that I love. That spans quite a bit. Everything from my children to face scrubs. Music and Austin and sarcasm. Art and travel and tacos. Let’s not forget the tacos folks. It’s a bit of a range. Random and scattered, just like myself.

And since I’m talking about myself, here is some more information. I’m almost 40. I’m divorced. I have two kids. And I’m just trying to figure things out. Again. I live in a city that feels like a very small {teeny tiny} town. I’ve lived here since I was eight, and finally feel like I’m settling in. Yeah, it took awhile, but I have strong roots here and I am starting to feel good in my own skin. So if that is what forty brings, I’ll take it.

About divorce… If you don’t have to go through it, I don’t recommend it. It’s bankrupting. Financially and emotionally. It breaks you. It builds a new you, whether you want a new you or not. You become your own emotional phoenix rising from the ashes.  I remember a friend {who has an AMAZING name that is almost exactly like my own} once told me as I sat on the floor in a puddle of my own mess {figuratively, y’all}, “You only have to do one thing in this life…,” “What’s that?,” I asked, looking up with my raccoon mascara eyes {I later declared the raccoon to be my spirit animal, more on that later} She continued like a wise sage in my own Disney movie.. “Never give up. Just keep going.” It might have been a little Finding Nemo, but I’ll never forget that moment. It was one of the defining ones of my life. And I’ll never forget that advice. Thank you Alexa. You are seriously my soul sista.

A year before that conversation took place  it had been pointed out, by another amazing friend, whose name is Emily, that I wasn’t happy. “I’m not?,” I ask in astonishment. I was dumbfounded. I mean, sure I was well aware at this point in my life I had severe depression, yet… I had no idea that might be connected to choices I had made  in my life, that although hard, could be changed. I know, I know… it sounds ridiculous… but I thought depression was something I was always going to have to deal with, and I am not saying that I won’t; but, I honestly had no idea I could change my situation. It never occurred to me. I was married. I was miserable. Wasn’t that, like, normal? ‘Married with Children’ and all? According to my wise friend… No. That was, in fact, not normal. Sure all the girls we hung out with griped about their husbands from time to time… That was normal. But it was explained to me that what I felt… was not. “Remember how you cried and threw up all day the day of your wedding?” I nodded, remembering the day. It was late April 2004, and gorgeous outside. We were all sitting out at the pool at the Bellagio… and I could not stop crying and had such knots in my stomach. “I knew,” Emily continued, “You knew, we all knew.” I shook my head up and down in acknowledgement. But, I figured, I’d made my bed, might as well lie in it. The invitations had been sent. I had a dress. A priest. 100 guests… Here we all were in Vegas… I didn’t have the courage to call it off. So I did it. I got married. I said, “I do!” and was pronounced mister and misses and led back down the aisle and off into my new reality. A reality I was very unsure about. Life went on, and I knew I needed to stick to my plan…have kids, raise them… It was what I wanted, right? The life I chose. Like I said… I’d made my bed…  I just didn’t know that over the next decade lying in that bed was ALL I would want to do. Literally. Feeling miserable was my new normal. Our lives went on. We had a hard time getting pregnant. My mom {who bless her, has good intentions, just no tact} said that it was probably God’s way of saying I shouldn’t have children, and I could live a very happy life without children. A VERY happy life. A VERY, VERY HAPPY LIFE. The way she stressed it may me wonder if she wished she had never had me. I mean, that’s totally what was implied, but I’d like to think it was just the wine and her concern for my happiness. I’ll leave it at that.

One “free” IVF {more on that later}, a precious little boy, more marriage non bliss; which, at the time,  I chalked up to having a baby. Who has a baby and is blissfully happy? People that have the right amounts of money and drugs, that’s who. Another, this time, non-free round of IVF with an amazing doctor {and more of my mother assuring me God DID NOT want me to have any more children}, another precious little boy followed by some severe postpartum depression, a house re-model, and more marriage stress… until I couldn’t take the fighting anymore. I had withdrawn. I knew I had made a mistake getting married, and now… 10 years later… here we are. We were all in. I pulled away, although looking back I’m not sure I was ever really there to begin with. I felt terrible. I felt so guilty. I promised… I promised to love him forever and ever until death do us part… And all I wanted to do was break my promise. I had already broken it, but living with the lie was killing me. Literally. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think. I paced the halls at night crying and praying. Sometimes I would get so tired I would just sit down on the floor, arms folded around my legs, my whole body shaking. How could I tell someone my truth… If it meant destroying theirs?

Thank goodness for a remarkable therapist. And wine. And my friends and family. And God. And tequila. I could not have done it without all of you… especially you Tequila.

Having come out the other side, I will tell you this, like I said when I started this post… Divorce… I don’t recommend it. But.. if you have to do through it, whether you were the one who made the decision to file or not… You will get through this. It will be hard. It will be life changing. It will definitely NOT be pretty, but it can be done. Because.. let’s face it.. you only have one thing in this world you have to do… Just keep swimming.

I am so grateful that my, now ex-husband, has decided to take the high road after our divorce. He is a great father. He is a great person. I am so proud of how we have chosen to co-parent our kids. And in a real, authentic way to us, not some Gwennie Goop conscious uncoupling crap. I’m sorry, I’m sure MILLIONS will disagree, but that girl is a *tidge* bit pretentious for me. But good for her. And all her Goop. Bottom line… If you have to get divorced, get a good therapist. And if you have a friend going through a divorce, bring over a bottle of wine and a comedy. Cause they need a laugh. Hell… we all need a good laugh. Through all the tears and the pain, I am finding myself. I am turning 40 this year, and I do plan to go big or go home. Really I plan to go home either way, I mean, who am I kidding… but… I thought it would be fun to document the process, so here goes nothing.

 

As I embark on this part of my life, in this new space, I hope you come along for the journey. Here where I can connect all my loves and tell funny stories. I hope you enjoy it. If not, you probably have no sense of humor. Just Kidding. Not really. And thus, through my spiritual rebirth, I bring you, The Blue Sparrow. I’d love if you subscribed, and/or left a comment.

24 thoughts on “How the Blue Sparrow Came to be

  1. Sarah says:

    I think more people than you will ever know will relate to these feelings. I was just talking to a friend the other night who was basically saying these things and immediately wanted to send her a link to this when I started reading. Looking forward to your journey to go big,,,,then go home! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Liza says:

    Good GOD I enjoyed reading every little word of that. You have a story to tell and you tell it with honesty and humor. It’s perfect and I can’t wait to eat up every post. Congrats on your rebirth!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Meagan Scott says:

    Love it! I look forward to reading more!! You’ve come so far in the short amount of time that I have known you and I am SUPER excited to see what the future holds on this wonderful adventure!! However, this town is not “teeny tiny” haha! love you!

    Like

  4. Tiffany says:

    Thanks for sharing your story. It is so similar to mine…. Married 10 years, divorced, almost 40, one little boy (IVF baby). I so rarely meet anyone in the same boat. Very refreshing to read your blog!

    Like

  5. Janine says:

    This is awesome! I look forward to reading all about your journey especially with your great humor and honesty! Congrats to you on putting it all out there! Xo

    Like

  6. Jade says:

    Wow!!! I had no idea what to expect with this first post, and I am gladly surprised. Praise to you sister, for speaking your truth and allowing us to enjoy your voice, as raw and real as you are, with all the depth of emotionality, edgy honesty, and ever well-dosed humor that are the trademarks of your amazing, delightful self. Totally diggin’ the phoenix metaphor, which has been speaking to me big time lately. I am super excited to be onboard for the journey. High five and big hug for being so freaking awesome. Fucking stoked you’re doing this. I love you!

    Like

  7. Paul says:

    It might not be much but I am really proud of your courage and decision to make yourself and your family happy. It’s great to see your wit and humor still intact after all of that! Life really is about getting through adversity and getting through with your dignity and self in one piece and let’s not forget having some fun along the way! Looking forward to more of these coherent and incoherent (don’t forget I know you! ) words that form sentences that makeup these blogs!

    Like

  8. Melissa says:

    You said some things and I could totally relate!! Married only 6 months and divorced……6 months later and now I am happily married to the man I should’ve married 20 years ago….LIFE…oh the tangled webs we weave.
    Loved it…until next time….

    Like

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