My So Called Dating Life

Dating? What is that? Do people still do that? I can’t remember the last time I went on an actual date. And yes. I know people do still date. They just don’t date me.

I, on the other hand, seem to encounter one asshole after another. And some are assholes in disguise. Like, dressed up like the Easter bunny or some shit. Some are disguised as friends that I meet up with who turn out to be royal assholes. It makes me think about the decisions I’m making and who I decide to spend my time with.

A few weeks (months) ago a friend texted me “by mistake” and we started talking. We have been friends for a decade, but have our moments of being closer and farther apart. He said he was going through a rough time, I didn’t ask why, although I was pretty sure I could guess in my head it had to do with his (now) ex girlfriend. I was right.

We ended up running into each other a few weeks later and caught up and it was really good to see him. It reminded me of the days in years past when we had been closer. He had some controlling tendencies, which I was choosing to ignore or look past thinking maybe he had changed. He hadn’t.

Our text became flirtier and we decided to meet up one day for coffee. We had a fun time catching up, but as he was leaving he ask me to do something.

“What?” I questioned.

“Please delete all our messages.”

“Okay…” I did it in front of him and showed him my phone as “proof.”

“Thanks.” He said and we parted ways.

That really got under my skin. I mean… did he think I was going to screenshot us flirting and post it on social media? Probably. Which irritated me even more so I texted him to let him know.

He apologized. I mean, he had already gotten his way, so it was kind of a lack luster apology. We didn’t really speak for a month or so and then I got another text inquiring about more coffee.

“Umm… sure.” I’m clearly a glutton for punishment. We saw each other a few more times and it was really nice.

Then the switch flipped again. I ask him if he was playing a certain show, and his response was, “You know Alexis, you’re really annoying. I can see right through your bull shit.”

Excuse me? See through what? Asking if you were going to be at a show in a band you play in? Huh. How. Fucking. Annoying of me. I mean, seriously, the audacity.

“Sorry, I thought we were friends.” Was my reply. Followed by, “you know, you don’t have to be such an asshole. I know it’s your nature and all but it’s really fucking annoying. And I haven’t told anyone about us talking. You can be a real jerk.”

He gave me a half ass apology and I wasted half a day crying, wondering exactly what it was I had done that was so wrong.

I went to see a friend play last week and he had a show himself, the one I had outrageously ask if he was playing at. He ended up showing up at the show I was at after he was finished with his gig. He was talking to another drummer I despise and I walked straight past both of them without a word.

A few minutes later I saw that another friend had walked up and he was someone I did want to talk to, so I went to say hi. The asshole reaches out his arms to hug me, which caught me off guard. Wasn’t I annoying, and ask stupid questions, like, “hey are you playing?”

I hugged him briefly as to not be awkward and kept talking to my friend. The asshole walked off a few minutes later.

I had fun the rest of the night.

The next day I texted him and said, “You know… I don’t really know how to react when I see you. You tell me I’m annoying for asking simple questions, then I see you and you reach out to hug me.”

He replied that “we” had been over this and “we” had moved on, which was odd because I had not moved on, nor did I know it was behind us.

My response was, “okay…”

His was, “look, so you want me to be a dick every time I see you?”

I didn’t feel a need to respond to that, but some consistency in behavior would be nice.

Last night I thought I might see him and texted him as a fair warning, and that it wasn’t because I was stalking him or whatever bull shit he wanted to make up in his own head.

His response was nice, and I thought, cool. Maybe we are back to being friends. He was a really good friend, and I hate losing people like that in my life.

I ended up not making the show because I ended up going to see another friend who is also going through a hard time and needed some cheering up. We ended up having a great three hour conversation and I lost track of time.

This morning as I’m stretching and waking up I see I had missed a text at 1 am from the friendly asshole asking if I liked the show.

Now… I think most of us adults know what text are usually about that come in that time of night. I was fast asleep in a really comfortable bed when I received it.

And it just made me think… do I have the word “Doormat” in invisible ink on my forehead that only certain types can see? Because I would like to get invisible flowers or something else tattooed over it.

I have decided I am horrible at dating and non-dating, and have come to the conclusion I’m going to spend the rest of my life relationship free. Because I’m so incredibly sick of having my feelings hurt. Or not being respected, even by people I thought respected me. And if I have to walk this life alone, that’s okay. Because at least I like me. I think I’m crazy. And funny. And sometimes even look cute (rarely, but it happens). And I’m sick of being treated like shit. I am not a doormat. And I’m not going to let anyone treat me like one.