SXSW

South by Southwest. A, somewhat, okay, extremely pretentious event that lands around spring break in Austin every year. Most everyone in Austin complains about it. Traffic is worse than normal and crowds are crazy. But the music… the music is amazing. Acts from all over the world land in one spot for a week to be heard in the Live Music Capital of the World. And I was at home. Watching my news feed and having some serious FOMO.

I had decided to be responsible and was adulting all by myself up in DFW. And I can tell you, watching my newsfeed was torture. SXSJ {south by San Jose, yes, a Liz Lambert line up at her beautiful San Jose hotel where several friends were playing, including Black Pumas and Edie Brikell}, the line up at Lucy’s Fried Chicken, including my all time favorite, Barfield, the Texas Tyrant, and Cosmic Coffee and Craft Beer, where the likes of Ian Moore and many others adorned the stage.

And I was watching. One live stream after another and wondering why I had picked this weekend of all weekends to be an adult.

Because I’m still going through it folks. That’s why.

And I’m not a fan of crowds, I cannot stand not being able to find parking, and I don’t appreciate everyone in Austin hating on the visitors who invade their precious city. I had some adulting to do, and so I stayed home. And I’m proud to report that it didn’t kill me. Almost… serious FOMO, but it didn’t.

I woke up Saturday morning without my kids, with a newsfeed of “We’re playing here at {insert multiple times during a single day here}, and don’t miss our other 12 performances in the next two days!” And I was lonely. Really really lonely.

Missing someone I had dated and who had told me SEVERAL times he didn’t want to ever see me again, and that no, we couldn’t be friends because we had never been friends, we had always been more than friends. That hurt. And instead of serial dating, like normal, I needed to sit in that uncomfortableness. I had some serious looking inward to do and I didn’t like that feeling, which let me know I was onto something.

Introspection is hard. Looking at your faults. Where you messed up. Why you reacted that way. What you had done right. What you should repeat and what you should eliminate, is never fun.

Digging deeper. Where You felt justified. You had a RIGHT to be mad. Did you really? Could you have handled it better? Should you have walked away? Should it have ever gotten to that point, and if so, what was your part in it?

That sucked.

And then I’d glance and my phone and see Matt Hubbard or Eric Burton or Kalu or Barfield just killing it.

And I knew I had made the right decision.

Because I’m tired of making the same mistakes. I’m tired of getting the same results. And unless I work on my own thoughts and my own patterns and being comfortable with me, I’m never going to make a good partner.

And I had to conceed something to myself… as much as I want to be part of a couple, I get annoyed. Really easily. I get restless. I don’t like feeling ‘trapped’ and yes, I always seem to wonder if there is something better or waiting for the other shoe to drop or wondering why this guy I have put on such a pedalstal doesn’t feel the same. I have work to do before I can even think of being part of a whole, and any relationship I got into right now wouldn’t last.

So… I’m taking that time. For me. To heal.

And I’m going to Austin soon because the FOMO almost killed me and I need some good live music in my life. I need to dance to the beat of my own drum, wherever that takes me. As long as it takes me home alone at the end of the night.

Sidenote, at work on Monday two people in SXSJ tshirts walked in and I nearly tackled them asking how it was, who was their favorite, who did they see, was Liz Lambert around… yeah, addictions don’t just pertain to alcohol and drugs, they run deep with me.

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