Me too.

I can’t hold it in any longer. And not because I’m dying to tell about the time I was raped. I won’t name who did it. It doesn’t matter. I was raped when I was twenty-one. I told the guy no and he continued to force me to have sex with him. I worked at Blue Mesa and it was a fellow waiter.

Last March, I was drug into an Alley when I was on vacation in L.A. I was drunk. I was walking to get cigarettes in a nice part of L.A. I thought I was safe. It was about 5 p.m. I had my hair, as usual, in a messy bun on top of my head. Before I knew what was happening, I was drug in an Alley. My pants were ripped off, and someone I couldn’t really see that well, because I was screaming like hell and fighting, was trying to rape me. I clawed. I scraped. I got away. I ran. I ran to a gas station and was screaming and crying, and a complete wreck. A total fucking wreck.

No one would help me. The employees would not call the cops. I didn’t know what to do. I went back outside and continued to sob uncontrollably. Finally, a black guy on a bike with a thick gold chain rolled up next to me and ask to help me. I threw my arms around him and begged him to call the cops. I hugged him and told him over and over “thank you for helping me,”

He did.

The cops came.

I was taken to the police station in Encino Heights.

I filed charges.

The police officers were beyond kind. I was a mess. Still drunk.

The police officers gave me part of their dinner, a pizza, where I tried to eat a piece as I sobbed.

I was taken to get a rape kit done in L.A. while on vacation.

I told them this wasn’t necessary as the act was not completed because of my fight.

They did it anyway.

My best friend Jamie Glaviano came to the station and held my hand while I cried. While I sobbed. I was shaken. I didn’t understand how this happened.

The nurse who performed the test said IN THE AREA IN L.A.  I was in they got about 3 victims A NIGHT. A NIGHT FOLKS.

The detectives flew out to Fort Worth to help me try to identify my attacker. I couldn’t. I was trying to get away from someone who had attacked me from behind. I couldn’t tell if he was short or tall. I had a vague description… Mexican… I thought. Sorta thin. Average height, from the 30 seconds of hell I remembered. I wasn’t exactly focused on his face while trying to save my life.

I’m writing this because all of the “Me Too” stories have sparked something in me. I don’t want to say who raped me at Blue Mesa. It’s embarrassing.

I don’t know who my attacker was in L.A., but because it was a stranger, I would have pressed charges. I knew the guy at Blue Mesa well. It was awkward because I had had sex with a few of the waiters at Blue Mesa, but I did not willingly have sex with him. Who would have believed me? Some, yes. Some no. I wasn’t about to put myself in that situation.

All of this sparked a conversation last night at a meeting I was at. Matt Lauer was the “latest” and I spoke about my experiences. I said, what is crazy… is that for 15 years I worked in an industry where men grabbed my boobs, my ass, my pussy… And I thought nothing of it. I thought it “came with the territory” because I was a female.

Because I was a female… Think about that males. I thoughts I deserved to have my boobs, ass, and pussy grabbed, at conventions, because I was a female, and working, and therefore, had no power. Men would often say things like, “Add that to my bill.” Or… “Are you married?” And if I answered “Yes.” The next question would usually be “Are you happily married?”

This is what I learned… Men in Power are usually pigs. It doesn’t matter if you are at a bar, a propane convention, a news convention. Men in power think they have the control and women are conditioned to “shut up and take it.” That’s what I thought.

At the 2004 RNC {Republican National Convention} I met every famous news person you can think of. My job, amongst other things, was to show up at the crack of dawn and get on the convention floor and sit for 8-10 hours next to a photographer. We were second row behind AP {Associated Press}. My memories from that week are amazing. One of the best experiences of my life.

Al Franken was there. He was a total asshole. Wolf Blitzer and Larry King were beyond professional. Anderson Cooper was less well known. He wasn’t “out” and every female I knew wanted to make out with him. Tim Russert was my favorite and called me “little red” all week. Rudy Guliani was a close second. A total politician, and very very kind. Karl Rove, was an asshole. Laura Bush, southern sweet. I wished she was my aunt.

The photographer I was FORCED TO SIT NEXT TO for a week grabbed my crotch on the convention floor. Yes, on the floor. I could not move. We were packed in that “room” which happened to be Madison Square Gardens. I told my boss. Who was female. She rolled her eyes and said, “that asshole.”

That was it. I honestly, didn’t think much about it until all this “Me too” crap came up. Because I didn’t consider that a violation. Which is… crazy. When I count how many times I was raped, it is one. That night, after work, at Blue Mesa.

When I count how many times I was attacked violently, it is one. That night. In L.A. It wasn’t rape, but it was scary as hell and I’ll never ever ever forget it.

When I think about how many times as a woman, I’ve been sexually harassed… I could not even begin to count.

Isn’t that sad? That’s sad. I live in a country where I have been conditioned “as a female” to shut up and take it. Because… “it happens to everyone.” And it does. To every female I know.

Enough is Enough.

Where does one draw the line? It’s a slippery slope. If you are a man, you should not touch a woman who does not want to be touched. Period. If you do, you sir… are a pig. An asshole. And you should be scared about what is happening, because if you committed a crime, you should be punished. Women should not have to accept this behavior.

Now I know I don’t have to.

Amen sisters.

Together we are strong. We are not alone. And we will be heard.

 

My Brag Book

One of my ex’s was rummaging through my stuff {probably looking for valuables to steal, because, let me tell you, I know how to pick ’em} and came across one of my photo albums and started thumbing through it.

Here is the conversation that transpired between us…

“Whoa, there are a lot of famous people in here.”

“Yeah.”

“How did you meet so many famous people?”

“I dunno. I just walk up to famous people and start talking to them.” Then I glance over his shoulder to see who he is referring to. “Ohhh… I met those people while interning for the Detroit Free Press in 2004. I was covering the Republican National Convention for them.” {You can read about that here}

“Who is the most famous person you have ever met?”

“I dunno. I guess it depends who you consider famous.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… in that book it’s probably Larry King. Or Anderson Cooper, he’s really short, look… I think I’m taller than he is. Tim Russert was my favorite. He called me ‘little red’ all week and was so nice! But I also got to attend Wednesday Night Live that week hosted by Dick and Lynn Chaney, and the cast of Saturday Night Live. Lorne Michaels is cool! I actually bumped into him later that week at the Broadway show Wicked and he remembered me and stopped to talk to me before I went to the restroom. Then he said he was sorry for taking up my time… I mean, seriously?! I didn’t even think to beg him for a job… biggest lost opportunity ever… Oh, and I had to interview Laura Bush that week too.”

“Damn, who else have you met?”

I scrunch my forehead and try to remember names.

“Karl Rove, Rudy Giuliani, The Cure. I partied with them until four in the morning… Meg Ryan… Vanilla Ice,” I trailed off lost in thought.

{you can read about my night with The Cure here, and Vanilla Ice and more Meg Ryan here and Karl Rove here}

“How’d you meet Meg Ryan?”

“Flattery. I was eating at The Dutch, or Dutchman, or something like that in New York City and she was sitting behind us. I ask the waiter if that was, and before I could say Meg Ryan, he cut me off and said NO! And that she did NOT want to be bothered and she hated it when people approach her. And since my favorite thing in the world is people telling me I can’t do something, I got up and walked over… I apologized profusely for interrupting her dinner, then immediately followed with, it’s just that my table and I are discussing whether or not you are Meg Ryan and I said, impossible, she’s way too young to be Meg Ryan. That guy {who was clearly her son} is probably her date. She laughed and grabbed my arm, and said that was just the sweetest thing. She looked over to my table and waved, and put her hand over her heart and mouthed ‘thank you.’ Then she introduced me to her son and talked to me about the new exhibit at the Met.”

See… it’s just like the column is US Weekly… Stars… They’re just like us! Well no shit. If you ever run into one it’s just knowing what to say. Or acting like you have absolutely no idea who they are, or actually having no idea who they are, like When I told Roger O’Donnell, keyboardist for The Cure, that it was so cute he dressed up like The Cure to go see The Cure. I really didn’t have a clue. It’s not like they ever show the keyboardist on the big screens when you are at a concert. Now… when the drummer walked in five minutes later, my jaw totally hit the floor.

And of course, the right kind of flattery does get you everywhere. Even partying with rockstars until 4 a.m.

Love Yourself Right Where You Are

I am so far from where I want to be. But if I have learned one thing, it’s this… There really is no time but now.

If I waited to love myself until I was thin enough, looked my ‘best’, was where I wanted to be career wise, I might, and probably will, die before any of that happens. Because I’ll probably never view myself as being at my ‘best’. At least I hope not, because… there’s only one place to go once you reach the top, and it’s not further up.

So this holiday season, when tensions can tend to run high, I’ve decided to give myself a gift. The gift of self-love. The gift of loving myself right where I am,  problems, imperfections and all.

My kids tell me all the time I’m ‘the best mom ever.’ Bless their souls. They have no idea how imperfect I am. I’m choosing to see myself as they do {before they turn into self-righteous teenage assholes} I’m choosing to love myself just as I am. Fat rolls and all. I’m choosing to enjoy life. The good, the bad, and the downright ugly. And I challenge y’all to do the same thing. Quit telling yourself you aren’t good enough.

You are good enough. Right where you are. Celebrate yourself. Celebrate life. Celebrate just being.

There is always something to be grateful for. Like, I can walk. And I have shoes. Someone doesn’t. Some people can’t walk and are confined to wheelchairs, but they aren’t paraplegic. And those that are paraplegic can still speak, and think. And so on and so on.

Someone told me after I quit drinking that alcoholism is like that game ‘whack a mole.’ That once you knock out one problem 10 others pop up in their place, and man, that guy was dead on.

I had this notion that quitting drinking would somehow solve all my problems. Ha! What a joke. All it did was magnify how bad I had screwed up so much in my life. I’m still suffering the consequences and that isn’t going to change anytime soon.

So. Be. It. I have surrendered. Waved my white flag and given my problems {usually on a daily basis} to God. God as I see him. Or her. God as I know him. Or her. Turning your life over doesn’t make your problems go away, but it is freeing.

So forgive yourself. Love yourself. Be patient with yourself.

I didn’t create my problems overnight and they certainly aren’t going to go away overnight. Stay in the present. You can’t change the past and you can’t predict the future. The only time we have is now. Enjoy it. Enjoy the mess. Love the mess. Be kind to yourself and to others. Be humble. Show grace. Be of service to others.

Love yourself. You have my permission, so do it. Do it today. Quit putting it off, there is no telling what tomorrow may bring so give yourself permission to love every flaw, every imperfection, everything that makes you so blissfully uniquely you.

Love. Love. Love. It’s all we got folks. And time isn’t going to stop ticking along anytime soon. Hold your loved ones tight. Tell them what they mean to you. That’s what this upcoming season is all about, not the gifts, although those are nice too. It’s about connecting in this oh-so-crazy world we live in. And it is bat shit crazy. And we are the only ones who can make it better. It starts and ends with love and that means loving yourself first.

Take care, you beautiful humans you. Tis the season.

xoxo

Win It Wednesday’s Rodan + Fields

You know you love your skin care when you realize you are out of something and you freak out… I love Rodan and Fields. I started using it about a year and a half ago, and it is amazing!!!

I love the doctors, who are world famous now. Dr. Rodan and Dr. Fields still have active practices, even though they are like, multi billionaires now. They truly love what they do and they love helping women and men look their absolute best.

Their products have won awards, been in magazines like InStyle {click here} and Allure {click here}, been on countless TV shows and news programs. Yes, news programs, and like, the real news, not that fake ass crap. Check out the Forbes, yes, Forbes article here.

I personally use the Redefine regimen, the multi function eye cream, Intensive Renewing Serum, the Lip Serum, and Lash Boost. I can speak from experience that my skin lets me know when I have skipped a few days, or worse, a week! Gasp. My skin starts to feel and look duller and isn’t dewy like it is when I use my products. And yes, disclaimer, you do have to actually use the products for them to work.

I have been pinching my pennies cause I’m looking for a job y’all. Anyone want to hire me? I’m super fun to work with, promise. But I’ve been hearing so much on social media about the Active Hydration Bright Eye Complex that I finally broke down tonight and ordered it. Actually I ordered the package that comes with the Bright Eye Complex and the Lash Boost. It comes in the cutest package with an eyelash curler. The results for Lash Boost are amazing… and I cannot wait to try the Bright Eye Complex. These products work for real y’all!

Want to see some results? Here is Lash Boost followed by the Active Hydration.

Pretty amazing, don’t you think?

In my ‘Win it Wednesday’s’ I’m only giving away things I absolutely L.O.V.E. And this week you can get your hands on an Eye cream, the make up remover wipes, which are, like, totally amazing, and Acute Care, the only product where you can see results overnight. Yes, overnight. That is a package that would cost you about $300, and yes, you can get it here, for FREE. Free is like, one of my favorite words, you don’t want to miss this!

Comment here AND share this to your Facebook page to be entered to win.

Last weeks Kendra Scott went to Allison, and she’s pretty happy she won. You will be too if you get this sweet deal! If you would like to look at products or order now, you can click here to get your skincare on point.

xoxo