When You’re On a Roll…

Keep rolling, right? In the past week I have managed to piss off, pretty much everyone who is important in my life. I know, I know… I should feel terrible, but it’s my biggest accomplishment lately so I figured I’d brag about it. And tell you why the cops might be called on me tonight by my oldest.

I pick up Luke and we are on our way to get Cole and for some bizarre reason he ask me what he should do if he could not wake me up. Which is a freaky question to randomly be asked by Luke… So I do my parenting best, and tell him to find my phone and dial 911, and then the police will come, but that he needs to make sure he knows the address, does he remember mommy’s new address, and at this point I see Luke get a little stressed out. So I try to reassure him…

“Don’t worry, if that does happen, now you know exactly what to do and the police and firewomen would come and save mommy and you would be a hero, so don’t worry. You’d help mommy and I’d be fine.”

Luke’s facial expression goes from worried too light bulb in point zero one seconds.

“You mean, if I can’t wake you up, and I have to call the police, and they have to come to our house, I will be a hero?!”

Me, making the mistake of thinking I had done a good job, overly reassuringly say, “YES!!!!”

To which Luke says… “So mom, a hero would get a good reward huh?”

My facial expression changes from one of patting myself on the back to one of extreme worry…  “Ummm….. Yes.”

“Especially if that hero were to save your life….?”

I had to cut him off. I knew exactly where this was going.

“Luke, so help me… If you whisper in my ear and I do not wake up in the middle of the night and you call the cops, you do NOT get a reward. Is that clear?”

Luke looks about as freaked out as a kid can look.

“Oh my gosh mom, I was totally not thinking that. I really wasn’t. How did you do that? Can mom’s really read minds? Oh wow.”

I’m now concerned he’s going to test that theory too. And all I want tonight is a decent nights sleep. Is that too much to ask?

To all that I have pissed off in the last week, or hell, if I have ever pissed you off, I would just like you to know… I’m sorry. And by the way that color looks fantastic on you, but any color would probably look good on you since you have lost so much weight, not that you had any to lose. Be careful or someone is going to call you anorexic. And you know, you are just to young and youthful looking to be anorexic. I hope you have a fabulous day.

Sticks and Stones

So until right now, I totally thought that saying was “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Which never made sense. And is totally stupid. So, a few minutes ago, I googled it to find out that the poem actually says, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can also hurt me.” Well fuck me. I learned that a little too late.

I came into this world as a total bitch. I was born on Thanksgiving in 1976. My mother loves to tell the story of how I ruined her Thanksgiving dinner. Her favorite meal. My grandmother, God rest her soul, use to love to tell the story of how right after I was born the nurses were weighing me and what not, and I flipped over on my stomach (clearly also an over achiever at birth) and gave everyone in the room a go-to-hell look.

Around third grade I broke and I became a Republican and a people pleaser. I was eight, let’s not pass judgement, okay? I people-pleased my way into my 30’s. And then I stopped. Sort of. One of my friends had really pissed me off, and I had just had it. I’d never stood up to this girl. I called her, and I say, “Look, I’m sure we are not going to be friends after this conversation, but I have about 487 problems with you and we are going to start with one and I am going to work my way through.” To her great credit, she listened to all 842 reasons (I thought of more reasons as I bawled her out). I mean, I guess she could have put the phone down and gone shopping, but I’m going to go with the fact that she actually listened.

After my tirade she admitted her flaws and we actually became much much closer. I love that girl.

That, however, was not a great lesson for me. Basically I learned that if I told someone to go fuck themselves, they’d like me better. That plus the ‘sticks and stones’ poem to back me up… And I was fearless.

I lost my shit in the Denver airport when an older gentleman aggressively rolled his suitcase over my foot to cut in line. I told him he was a piece of shit and that he would NOT be getting on the airplane in front of me. Naturally he was sitting in the seat next to me. And naturally I immediately put my arm on his arm rest and even if my arm went numb from gripping that arm rest, so help me God, I was not moving my arm. My stubborn gene is actually my strongest gene. Which explains Luke, my seven year old. My mom could not stop laughing and I’m pretty sure she peed in her pants. Actually… I moved my arm 30 minutes into the plane ride when he apologized and offered to buy me a drink. I ordered four and smiled sweetly at him.

Another time we were checking out in Napa and yet another male idiot pissed me off. There was a HUGE line to check out. My BFF and I were standing in said line while her husband and my then husband talked (probably about how they had had too much together time with their wives) and this dumbass walks in front of all of us to the “Express Checkout for Preferred Guest” and I was all, “Oh HELL NO.”

I walked up and tapped him on the back and said, “Um, excuse me, did you see this huge line? Or are you just blind and stupid?”

He replied by saying he was a Preferred Guest. I shook my head.

“You are a fucking moron. We’re all Preferred Guest. That’s why they gave us that stupid speech when we walked in and a bottle of wine. I’m sure you were too drunk or just stupid to remember that, but get to the back of the line JackAss.”

Seven months later my friends, God bless their souls, and I, were planning a baby shower for my BFF because she got wasted and had sex with her husband in Napa. Their were five of us throwing the shower and we had divided into two groups. Three against two. And one of the ones I was against was, like, one of my best friends. unfortunately she just mentioned having a shower some place I didn’t agree with and I said something along the lines of… I’m sorry, but no one wants to eat salmon and egg salad at 10:30 on a Saturday morning. And for the love of God, we’re having alcohol. It’s a BABY shower. You have to have alcohol at a baby shower. For one, everyone is either A) Hungover B) Had an abortion and we are making them feel guilty C) Desperately wants a baby and can’t get pregnant or D) Have NO desire to EVER have a baby and need alcohol to get through the event. Except I was way harsher in my dissertation. I also said that only a fucking moron would spend $5 A PIECE for a “gift” to give people who came. The gift is alcohol. DUH.

The girl, my good friend, and I, didn’t really speak for two years after that shower. She emailed me and said that no one had ever spoken to her like that, much less a friend, and she went on to make more valid points… I would like to report she and I are also friends now, and I love her to death. She is hilarious. And the best mom. And thin and gorgeous of course. Even though her sister does have better hair… That Becky…

But, while I have you on the subject of showers, may I purpose something? Never, ever, EVER open gifts at the event. No one cares. And that one person that does care, can go fuck themselves and walk around Buy Buy Baby. You’ll get the gist. You’re probably part of Group C anyway, and no one needs to see you cry while the girl that shouldn’t have alcohol opens pacifiers.

After all of that, I still never googled the poem. I just thought, if you can’t handle some mamby pamby words, you are a fucking pussy.

Then on Friday, my beloved nanny’s last day, when I was already quite emotional and into my Champs, my fiance and I had a fight. He said things, and then he got to hear a real diatribe. I woke up Saturday still licking my wounds and just started attacking again.

Turns out, there are some things you cannot take back. Words are extremely hurtful. And I must learn to use mine better. And not out of anger. Gee, I’m almost 40. Glad I’m picking up that kindergarten lesson now. Wonder what else I will learn this year? Endless possibilities.

The End of an Era

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this post. I am absolutely terrible with change. Even when I know it’s coming. So, when my beloved nanny Thavone, told me when the boys returned to school it would be time for her to move on, I bawled like a baby. For a week.

Realistically I knew she would not be staying with us forever, but I definitely daydreamed that she would be there by my side, waving with me as I sent Luke and then Cole off to college.

When she leaves I know the boys will be fine.  Cole will be more upset than Luke, but I know they will both be okay. It is me that I am worried about.

Thavone has been with me for five years. She started the week after I brought Cole home from the hospital, and she was immediately family. Her family became my family and vice versa. Her daughter Jade helped out with the boys too, and every time I tell them Jade is coming they shriek with joy.

Friday is Thavone’s last day. Tears stream down my face as I think about it. I watched Jade graduate from TCU and move to France. I was excited when she came home. I remember when Thavone’s husband Phillipe got sick. I watched her care for him daily. I remember when Jade called and told her to come to the hospital now, that it was time. I remember watching in awe as Jade and Alex sang at the funeral, wondering where on earth they got their strength from.

Thavone would hold me as I cried in her arms. I cried because I didn’t know how to handle two kids. I cried because I was unhappy. I cried because I didn’t want a divorce. I cried because I did. I would cry and tell her my kids deserved someone else to be their mother. Someone like her. She was my angel when I needed one. But now her time with me is over. Because I have grown and I have changed.

We changed each other.

She showed me how to trust myself. She showed me that I was not only enough, but all my kids needed as a mother. And she assured me that I was the only mother they would ever want. She told me that I had given my children the two best gifts in the world — the gift of love, and the gift of freedom. Freedom to be who they want to be, and to encourage their individual spirits.

I taught her that it was okay to sometimes just throw caution to the wind. To let your hair down and not take yourself so seriously.

And there was so much more! There was such growth. As I struggled with my various situations, through all my tears… I grew. I learned that I was, in fact, stronger than I thought. I learned that because of what I have gone through, I will be able to help my children when they go through difficult situations. I understand their idiosyncrasies better than anyone, so who better are they to chart these crazy waters with? We were definitely meant to go through this together.

This week will come and go. And so will Thavone. Just like that, she’ll be gone. I know in my mind it is time, but my heart hurts just thinking about it. And as I know this week will be very bittersweet, I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes. It’s from Dr. Seuss, who reminds us, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” And today, that is what I will do.

I love you so much Thavone! Thank you for being the sister I never had. I know this transition might be a bit rough, but I know you will always be in our lives. And for that, I am forever grateful. Thank you for everything.


 

The finale of my Whole30

I was doing so good. I had made it through the 4th of July AND a weekend a Great Wolf Lodge. It was day 16, of my Whole30 and I broke. I broke when there was nothing going on. it was just July 16th and I didn’t have the kids that weekend and I wanted a margarita. And a taco. I had both. It was a delicious meal.

The next day, July 17th, I was so mad at myself. I could NOT believe I cheated. I was doing so good. I vowed to make the next 15 days cheat free. That lasted until the following Tuesday when I decided I could not let the taco Tuesday go by without participating. And I wanted another margarita.

The rest of July pretty much followed that pattern. Cheat. Feel bad. Do good. Repeat.

And here is my takeaway… Doing the Whole30 for 30 days would have been great. I was really excited about all the energy I was supposed to have by week three. I was on day 2 of week 3 when it all went to hell, and I must say, I was feeling better.

I lost 7 pounds, which I have managed to keep off. This is no small feat for me.  I have been unable to lose weight for over a year. I was unable to stop gaining weight for a while and I was getting really anxious about my appearance. So, while no one else can probably tell any difference in my appearance, I must say, I feel better, and I learned a few things.

So, to recap, the Whole30 is:

  • No added sugar or artificial sweeteners
  • No alcohol
  • No grains
  • No legumes
  • No dairy
  • No fun

Okay, I added the last one, but it’s true. So, the only thing I didn’t consume on the Whole30 was no added sugar or artificial sweeteners. No Diet Dr. Pepper, no Spark. I’ve had one Diet Dr. Pepper since the Whole30 and no Spark yet… The rest I have tried to only consume in moderation. I’m trying the 80/20 rule, where you eat clean 80% of the time. I must say, this last weekend I was terrible. I was maybe only 30% clean eating, and I am atoning for it this week.

If you are considering the Whole30 I definitely recommend the book. I’m only a few chapters in, and maybe after I read it I’ll try it again. The book is very informative and it’s easy to understand. It’s called It Starts with Food. I would also recommend ordering Chomp Sticks. They are Whole30 approved and delicious. And life saving.

But my biggest takeaway was this… My kids are young. Time is fleeting. I read all those mommy blogs that tell you to get in a bathing suit and get in the water with your kids. Don’t just sit there and watch your kids make memories while you sit on the sideline. Be right there with them. And that’s what I did this summer. I waved my white flag and surrendered. I know I don’t look my best, but you know what? Even though I care, those blogs were right. My kids don’t care.

My kids are happy when I’m with them, just hanging out, being present, not on my phone. Luke, who told me in April that I needed to lose weight, told me the other day that I looked good and he’d rather I eat ice cream with him then say I can’t, because it’s not on my diet.

That kid… I love him more than tacos.

 

End of the Summer

I know a lot of moms are thrilled when school starts and the kids are back at school… Me, not so much. I love the summers with the kids. I mean, I work, so it’s so nice to come home and not have to do homework or rush dinner… To just be able to spend time and cuddle and do nothing but have fun. I love the chaos that summer brings and the lack of routine. I love being able to have an impromptu ‘movie night’ at 9 p.m., and not having to worry about waking everyone up in the morning. But, those days have come and gone. Cole started PreK 4 today. My little cutie…

That’s him eating a sandwich for breakfast as we walk out the door. No, I didn’t make adorable “First Day” signs. I barely got the boy dressed and fed. See his backpack? No? That’s because I didn’t even bother to pack it. It’s half days this week, and he’s four…

All that being said, I wanted to do something special with the boys the last weekend of summer, and I needed it to be super cheap. Like, free. After wracking my brain for awhile, it hit me. The beach at Lake Granbury! I had heard about it, but we had never been. The boys had a blast.

We had so much fun Saturday, we went back Sunday.  And we might go back tonight as well. I am so bummed I didn’t think about this at the beginning of the summer, but there is always next year! The beach is open daily 5 a.m. to 11 p.m. You can check it out here.  It wasn’t crowded, and it was sandy and perfect for wading and swimming in. This may be my new favorite summer spot! And, it’s FREE!!!!

Bad Moms

Bad moms make excellent mom friends. I have yet to meet the perfect mother, and when I do, I’m sure we won’t get along. Lucky for me, I have awesome ‘bad mom’ friends. One of those I admire most is my friend, Katherine.  Katherine has four children all under the age of something. Let’s go with nine.

Katherine and I bonded a few years ago at a football watching party. If I were into sports I might remember who the teams involved were. Texas vs. OU sounds right, but I can’t be sure. I was trying to feed Cole, who was about 14 months at the time, make sure my toddler wasn’t doing anything he wasn’t suppose to be doing, like harming other children, and trying to consume wine at the same time. Katherine was trying to do the same thing I was with her three children. We bonded instantly. I remember I laughed hysterically when she said she wanted another kid. I totally thought she was kidding. Or drunk. Turns out she wasn’t kidding.

Katherine is great. She is warm and open, and loves to include people and throws great parties and events. And she likes to drink wine. I mean, hello, home run.

A few weeks back I got an invite from Katherine letting me know she had rented out a theater at the Movie Tavern for all her friends to have a private showing of Bad Mom.  I wonder what the final count was, I want to say between 40 and 50 girls.

We gathered. We socialized through previews and got our beverages  We all laughed. A lot. I laughed so hard tears were running down my cheeks.

The story is pretty simple. All moms are human. All moms are trying their best. Each of our best is different, and it’s so much nicer to embrace each other and lift each other up instead of try to tear each other down. No one wants to hang out with the bitchy bully mom. I think that mom was popular in the eighties and nineties, but is no longer deemed cool in 2016,

Grab your friends and go see this movie together. Thank you so much Katherine for spoiling us like you did last night. That was so much fun! Thanks for being one of my all time favorite ‘bad moms.’